The Black Dog has returned!...And he's damn hungry!!!

Well Hello All!


I'm so sorry for being lame and not posting in a while. Thing is, I wasn't doing too badly and I didn't feel the need for the cathartic release that this blog offered me.

OK, OK, I realise that was selfish and I have to confess that the reason why I'm back is...well, things haven't been going too well. Yip, I'm here for your support and listening ear! My black dog of depression returned! And he needed feeding!

My course of Lithium (1000mg daily) seemed to be doing the trick. It was certainly a damn site better than how I was feeling at the start of the year when my head was like a merry-go-round. Then all of a sudden.....it just mellowed off.

The initial lift just vanished and all that was left was flatness, apathy, disinterest and at times irritability and anger.

Here was me expecting a magic cure, a 100% quick fix and I was confused. Surely I would feel better than this? Surely this wasn't the best I'd feel? I was more down and flat than anything else! Where were the highs or periods of 'normality'?

I'd started a new job which probably hadn't helped. That was very stressful. There were also money worries with changing direct debits and new pay dates from my new employer. It all became too much for me.

I thought I was doing OK, and I guess in many ways I was, but Lithium was never going to be a 'complete' cure. It took a lot but I went back to my Psych Dr. who gave me some mood elevator tablets (anti-psychotics). One tablet later and I said "NOOOOOO WAAAAAY MAN!" LOL. I was like a zombie.

I decided to go it alone and I've worked my way through it even though I started drinking more (which is bad!). I've stopped drinking now and am about to join the gym....what a contrast!!!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is to not expect miracles from any medication. Yes things will still be tough and yes at times we may all despair, but don't give up. If you still don't feel great, then address the problem, speak to your Dr or friends/family.

Even when we think we're doing well there are things that can throw us eg. stress at work or with relationships, money worries....even an upsetting article in a newspaper that causes us to dwell on things!

If your black dog needs feeding, you may choose to indulge his appetite initially...but don't let him eat you out of house and home...............


Take care

You know what? I actually don't feel too bad...at the moment!

I don't want to sound like I'm being smug (as I'm not trying to be!), but I have had one of the busiest and most productive weeks in a long time! I've even laughed and joke! (Miracles do happen!)

I had to check myself a few times in order to make sure it wasn't the start of a dose of Hypomania, especially as I woke up at 3am the other morning and could not get back to sleep for love nor money! In a bizarre way, even if it had been a dose of Hypomania I'd have welcomed it over what has been a despairing and consuming depression.

Anyway, I satisfied myself with the fact that it was just the 1000mg of Lithium kicking in which was helping to moderate my moods! Fingers crossed it is!

I have to say, I felt good. I got so much done at work, I didn't want to hide away in a room by myself, in fact I was quite sociable. I started recording a video blog (which I may put on here) which may go on You Tube...provided my primitive webcam doesn't make my face look fat!...or make me sound like Kermit the Frog! LOL!

I was also encouraged my several kind e-mails that I've received via this blog - and to those who sent them..thank-you very much!

By the way...the guy in the picture isn't me...just making sure you all know! LOL! Mind you, if he looks better on camera than I do I might get him to do my video blog!! LOL!

I thought I was getting better??!!

I learnt a lot this week...about me, and about my illness. As painful as the lesson was.

I learnt that despite my apparent wealth of worldly experience I'm actually very naive. That just when I thought I understood this illness we call bipolar it proved me so very wrong.

Wednesday was such a difficult day. It started off like any other. Not wanting to get out of bed, but managing to and making my way to work. Lo and behold I get stuck in the mother of all traffic jams 5 mins from my house. The roads were a little icy and there'd been an accident. The potential wait wouldn't bother me at all I thought, I'd just sit back and turn up the radio.

After 45 mins, the red seeds of rage had been sown and I started to get increasingly impatient. We started moving again and by now I could feel a tenseness in my chest, I felt like I was burning and my head was swimming a little. I could control this. I was still calm.

For no apparent reason we seemed to be moving painfully slow. I noticed that there was a motorbike at the front of the traffic queue who was doing half the speed limit. Several cars had tried to overtake him but he was moving from the centre of the lane to the outside and then back in again. This made overtaking difficult. Several cars managed to overtake and now the motorbike was one car in front. I beeped my horn (not aggressively!) so that he might notice there was a long line behind him!

Well, he was pretty pissed and there began a confrontation with him abusing me and me telling him to pull over so I could stick his handlebars up his ass! He eventually drove off once he could see I was nuts! ;-)

From that point on and until I got to work I wanted to scream. The incident niggled and niggled away at me and it wouldn't leave my head. That stayed with me all morning. Eventually, that anger turned to depression. A real sinking, absorbing, festering depression. It was almost like I was in a dream-state, a haze. Trying to hide this at work was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I didn't manage it too well as several people asked me if I was OK. "You seem a bit out of it", "Heavy night last night" and "Are you sure you're OK?" were the comments.

Several times I had to go into the work toilets and lock myself away. I wanted to pull my brain out as my head was swimming. I was an emotional wreck and I knew I could burst into tears any second. This was like torture. Slow, agonising torture, only I couldn't ask my torturers to stop. The torturer was me, my mind...my nemesis.

God knows how I made it through the day, but by the evening the dark fog of depression had lifted a little and I felt better (but not "better"). I slept quite well that night, which was a bonus.

The next day was very strange. It was almost like a hangover. Everything was in slow motion. I wasn't with it at all. It was as if someone had removed my brain. I was zombie-like. The day was spent going through the motions, just coasting along with no capacity for thought of any real complexity. Thankfully we weren't busy at work as I don't think I'd have coped.

So, there was me thinking that now I was on 1000mg of Lithium since the beginning of the week that I had this illness licked, I'd conquered it. That was how I learnt that underneath all my bravado, I'm actually very naive, about myself and my illness.

The lesson this week taught me was that there is still a long way to go, and that unfortunately, things will probably get worse before they get better.

Enough to drive you MAD!!! Bipolar and Driving...

Opening up time...here come my anxieties!!! As soon as I was diagnosed a few weeks ago, and just as I was about to start my meds I had a panic attack for several days all because I decided to consult the DVLA website (UK Driving regulators) to see what it said about driving with my diagnosis. BIG mistake!

Not only were the guidelines on the website in some non-sensical form of English that I could not translate, but from what I could decipher, there were several medial criteria that would necessitate me having to hand in my license, or have it revoked. As I couldn't FULLY understand these criteria (wasn't thinking straight!) this made things even worse. Several calls to my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) still couldn't put my mind at ease that it wasn't a foregone conclusion that I would lose my license.

I knew I had to tell the DVLA at some point as my insurance would be invalid if I didn't, but I was so goddamn scared that I would lose my license that I brought upon myself some irrational, over-inflated fear. This fear set me about on an almost 'manic' mission to find as much as I could on the different scenarios possible. Where was the best place to research this? The Internet...another BIG mistake!

For every good news story there were 3-4 horror stories (in my state I couldn't rationalise that people are less inclined to write good news stories!).

One poor woman had been hysterical with panic when she rang the DVLA and was told by a snotty woman over the phone that she would have to hand her license back. Miss Snotty had put our friend on hold and consulted her 'medical advisor' and that she was not to drive with immediate effect. This may I add, was entirely incorrect of her. I couldn't see that at the time...I was convinced all was lost for me!

I was counting the days until my next psych appointment (I must be mad!....Oh, I am! LOL!) so that I could ask my doctor what was going to happen. I was certain he would know. But what if he said I shouldn't drive?! What if he told the DVLA I shouldn't drive??!!! QUEUE MORE PANIC!!!

The day of my psych appointment arrived and I'd worked myself up so much that I could hardly drive to the hospital...the irony!!!

WHAT AN ANTI-CLIMAX!!! I was lucky in the sense that he said he would support me in anyway necessary to enable me to keep my license. There are other people who I'm sure wouldn't have been as fortunate as me who may have a Dr who wouldn't (or ethically couldn't) support them.

My Dr explained the process to me. Yes, I would have to tell the DVLA and that they would send me a 2 sided sheet of paper that was fairly simple to fill in. I would then send this back and then the DVLA would write to my Dr for a medical report and ask him about my suitability to drive. The process normally takes about 2 weeks (but can take months so don't panic! LOL!). As my Dr had said it was fine for me to drive in the interim the DVLA were happy with that until they had conducted their assessment.

As my Dr has said he'll support me I'm hoping that this will be good enough for the DVLA. I may have to undergo a medical with the DVLA doctors but my Dr doesn't think that this will be necessary.

If all goes well, I'll get to keep my license and it may have to be reviewed every year or every 3 years.

Not that I'm panicking, but I rang the DVLA today and asked them if they'd got my form and what the latest was! LOL! AND RELAAAAAAX! They are now writing to my doctor so we will see!!

In essence, I think I'm trying to say that there was no need to panic unnecessarily and that I needn't have thought the worst. Driving is crucial to me (as it is for many people with bipolar!) so yes, I will be a little nervous until I get a definite answer, but I will try my best not to drive myself mad in the meantime!!!

Watch this space and I'll keep you updated with the outcome..........

I'm out of the closet: Bipolar speaking of course! :-)

So, my dear friends, it has come to pass that I have made a decision to 'come out' to the world...yes, I am newly diagnosed as a Bipolar sufferer.

I have probably been so for several years give or take the minor depressive symptoms and the occasional highs...but in Dec 08 there was nothing 'minor' about the way I started feeling.

Early December I got very angry and upset about something minor and insignificant, something that would never normally bother me. This dragged me down so low that I couldn't pull myself back up for 6 weeks. I had to go to the doctor and insist that he referred me to a psychiatrist because this just wasn't right, it wasn't 'normal'. Incidentally, the first doctor saw me for 5 mins and told me I was just stressed and sent me on my way!

I felt so alone, that I was in this world but not part of it, almost like I was living in a haze, a dream, in someone else's body.

I was angry, irritable, tired but couldn't sleep. All the while I would have racing thoughts flying like jet planes around my head, rolling into a mush of mental pain that made me want to tear my brain out. There were so many thoughts at times that it didn't seem as though I could even focus on a single one - almost like there really weren't any thoughts - just 'noise'. I would be incredibly teary and emotional and didn't believe I was in control of my emotions at all.

Then there were the suicidal thoughts that came out of nowhere (this was new to me!) that I would then have to force back out of my head. It wasn't how I would do it, just the actual notion of it that would sneak inside my head uninvited - this was the scariest part!

If I hadn't have gone to the doctors and insisted I see a psychiatrist who knows where I would have ended up? I don't think it would've been anywhere pleasant!!!

Several weeks on and I'm on a course of Lithium. A course that will be for several years at least. I have still had difficult days but am feeling infinitely better. At times I think, hey I can stop taking my meds now...but I know I can't.

I do feel the stigma attached to this illness and the issues I have to face are the same for many: Should I tell work, family, friends? Should I tell the driving agency? What about life insurance? What are the side effects of my meds? Am I alone?

I know the answer to the last one...we are all as alone as we want to be. As hard as it is, we have to make sure we're not alone - there are people out there who will take the time to listen even if you feel that those close to you can't...or won't.

I'm going to try and use this blog as a forum for dealing with all the difficulties/issues that being bipolar brings - some of which I've mentioned above. Alongside that I'll throw in the odd interjection on social/political/economic issues! ;-)

Please feel free to either comment or mail me (please join as a follower!) I'd love to hear from you!

Best wishes

Greg

Why thick people shouldn't have kids: An argument for sterilization at birth :-)

BEFORE I BEGIN...THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE READY TO START COMPLAINING...THIS IS NOT A GENERIC VIEW OF EVERYONE ON COUNCIL ESTATES OR FROM POOR BACKGROUNDS!!! IT IS ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE KAREN MATTHEWS!!! OK!???

This week we have heard tragic stories of child neglect, child abuse, child murder and downright evil treatment met out to some children in our society.

It is hard to make light of such a topic and it will please many that in this instance I do not intend to do so.

As I write this I am watching the BBC's Children In Need. There is a clip of a young baby called Oliver (the same name as my youngest son) who was born with 8 holes in his heart and has been on numerous machines to help him survive during his brief 2 and a half short years. His ordeal has been dreadfully hard for his family, but not a burden.

Watching this little boy I cannot help think about poor Shannon Matthews and her 'mother' that put her in a noose, drugged her and locked her away in a flat so that she could whore publicity from the media with the intention of claiming a £50,000 reward. What strikes me most is the comparison between the 2 lives of Shannon and baby Oliver.

Here were Oliver's family, so desperately, and so clearly in love with their little boy that was born with ill health that they would have done anything to help him survive. On the other hand was the putrid, evil mother of Shannon Matthews who had been blessed with a healthy child yet had done all she could to emotionally and physically destroy it. All for a paltry £50,000 reward should the 'missing' girl be returned.

This sloth of a mother is regrettably, and all to commonly found on many housing estates across Britain.

I will perhaps court controversy by stating that in most cases they can be found on council estates, be poorly educated, unemployed and possibly have criminal records. They will be on benefits and will have developed a mindset that society 'owes them' and their kin support for a life that perpetuates slovenliness and idleness. Many of them will not want to change their life by re-training and seeking gainful employment as that is too much like hard work - so they will have more children in order to get more benefits and a bigger house.

I would love to offer a string of socio-economic policies that would instantly eradicate this sub-culture within our society, this sub culture of inadequate parents - but I cant. I cant because of the problem's complexity. We have reached a point where it is only possibly to prevent future generations of such 'anti-societies'.

Ironically, such a solution to the problem for future generations is a simple one, if a very drastic one: sterilize everyone from birth!

Let adults (yes adults, no under 18s!) have to apply for a license to have children - after all, you have to apply for a license to have a dog, so why not another human being?!! Which do we value more??!! Clearly it's dogs??!!

Prospective parents should be made to prove their capability to be parents. They should be made to display their worth to society, and equally as important, their ability to afford their own children.

An article in The Daily Mail today reports that 1 in 10 parents think that Jaffa Cakes, chips and Coke count as one of your '5 a day'. Yes, that's right, the thick inbreds think they form part of your fruit and veg! With parents like this, should we not be more strict about who we allow to breed in this country?!

LittleJohn from the Daily Mail (although I normally consider him a cunt) wrote rather amusingly "Welcome to Britain: Land of the rising scum" - I have to agree....

Am I serious about about sterilization at birth?! ........You bet £50,000 I am!!!

'Adults' dat spel fings lik dey r 13 (with thanks to Val for his suggestion!)

Thank the Lord for the invention of text messaging! Praise to the big man above for the blessing of SMS!

Where would we be without the ability to test the water with a Friday night fling to see if they wanted a repeat performance without the embarrassment of verbal rejection? - all for just 10p - although some networks will vary! :-). Also, where would we be without the benefit of being able to text the boss that we're ill instead of having to put on that oh so unconvincing 'sick voice'.

I think most would agree that the benefits of SMS are varied and numerous?

However, despite the multiple benefits to mankind that this technology offers, they are far outweighed by it's solitary disadvantage - the fact that it makes some adults use language that convinces the rest of us that they are teenagers with special needs and not 40 year old mothers of 4.

I am of course talking about 'Text Speak', or 'Txt Spk' if I am to to use its name within the construct it was created for. This is the grossly irritating method of communication that decrees you have to abbreviate every single word (normally excluding the vowels) so that you can type more words more quickly. This has completely bastardised our beloved English language to the point that the kids who also use it, actually write some words at school in text speak ignorant of the fact that it isn't correct!

Kids at least have an excuse...they are kids...they are taught by adults...they generally don't know any better. Those who have no excuses are adults. Do they think it's cool to try and communicate like a pre-pubescent teenager? Is it just laziness? I have a theory...it is either a. They can't spell for shit b. They definitely ARE fucking lazy or c. (most probably) BOTH.

I have relatives that do it to me on MSN - I tell them to fuck off and either a. Type in COMPLETE words and sentences or b. Pick up the phone and ring me.

I knew a girl who texted me after we got particularly friendly one evening many years ago in Ealing. It read something like this:

'Hi Grg, hpe ur wll? Wd b gd 2cu agn sn. Lvly mtn u lst nght! x' (I shall be gallant and protect her identity!) - Ok I won't, she was called Carly and she was very very pretty, but clearly didn't have a good grasp of English (maybe that's how I pulled her?). Not only did it take me 10 mins to actually decipher what she was on about, but I also then thought should I even bother texting back in complete sentences as she probably won't understand?

Here was a grown woman speaking like a South London teenager over text message. If that was supposed to stoke up my romantic interest then it didn't work. We quietly went our separate ways and I wish her well. I hear from friends she now teaches English in a Westminster Comprehensive.

This new language is not 'cool', nor is it clever. It impresses no-one other than the people that use it - and a bit like the Welsh language to the Welsh, they should keep it to themselves.

The next time someone uses this excuse for a language with me they will get a taste of their own medicine in a language they understand:

"4 fks ske fkng spk englsh or fk off !!!!!!!!"